I always pictured myself nursing my child until at least one year, possibly longer if we both wanted to continue with it. After all, my mother nursed me until I was two years old. What better role model to emulate? The breastfeeding journey started off quite well for us – Noah latched on immediately and I always looked forward to our special time together. Unlike some of my other mom friends, aside from some initial engorgement when my milk came in I never suffered through any pain, bleeding, mastitis, clogged ducts, etc. Noah gained an appropriate amount of weight at his two month appointment so we continued on doing what we were doing.
At around 3.5 months or so, Noah started getting extremely distracted when he nursed and would not be able to eat when anyone else was in the room; this forced me to retreat to the quiet and dark of his nursery to feed him more often than not (which only helped partly with the distractions). This was also around the time that he started waking up again during the night to eat (probably because he was too busy rolling over and distracted to eat during the day!).
At his four month appointment, we learned that Noah was under the 1st percentile for weight and that we should probably start supplementing with either breast milk or formula. I had a hard time accepting the need for formula so I saw a lactation consultant who informed me that my supply seemed just fine and encouraged me to feed Noah more often during the day. We tried that for a week and Noah did gain 5.4 oz, which was pretty decent. However, there was a lot of tension and friction between Pete and I over this issue and in order to appease him, I compromised and said that I would supplement with formula (as I didn’t have enough breast milk frozen) and start solids.
It got to the point around the 5-6 month mark where Noah would nurse okay for a minute or two tops and then, for some reason or another, he would either choke and sputter and refuse to latch back on or he would just arch his back, scream, turn away, or do everything imaginable to stay the F away from the breast. It was really heartbreaking for me to endure this 95% of the time he nursed. Even after burping him, he still refused to latch back on; however, offer him a bottle and he would easily take down another few ounces of milk. Is it that he was too distracted while nursing? Was my letdown too strong? Was my supply nonexistent? Was he uncomfortable in the nursing position? Does he prefer the bottle? I will never know the answer and that frustrates me endlessly. Why have I failed at something that is supposed to be easy and natural? I so wanted it to work.
Because Noah was slow to gain weight in months 2-4, I have been very conscientious of what he takes in each day, and thus have been relying heavily on the supplemented formula bottles, especially of late. Unfortunately, the more bottles I offered him, the less interested he seemed in nursing (if that was even possible!). I don’t know why I pushed it for as long as I did (other than the obvious benefits of breast milk, the convenience and the bonding factor); I kept hoping that one day he would decide to love nursing again. But my hopes got squashed almost every time – it was hard not to take it as a personal rejection! My supply definitely suffered immensely since we started to supplement with bottles of formula. If I wanted to keep my milk supply up, I probably should have pumped when I gave him bottles, but I just didn’t had the motivation, dedication, patience or time to pump. And I didn’t want to bond with my pump; I’d much rather spend that time hanging out with my son.
At Noah’s six month appointment we were again told that his weight was in the 1st percentile, and that was with both Pete and I trying to cram food in Noah’s mouth all day long! I feel like my days are spent trying to get Noah to eat solids and finish his bottles. He isn’t a big eater, never has been, and is just a small kid; after all, some babies have to be in the bottom of the weight charts! I was a small baby as well (only 16 lbs at the one year mark), so it makes sense that Noah would be on the smaller side as well.
We are now (at almost 7 months) down to just one nursing session in the morning when he wakes up, and only for a few minutes tops – that’s it. I’d say Noah’s diet now consists of 50% formula, 49% solids and 1% breast milk. I just gave up the nightly pumping ritual a few days ago. The weaning process has been gradual over the past two months – I just dropped one nursing session every few days; I think it was much easier to come to terms with the weaning doing it that way instead of just quitting cold turkey.
We had a good run of breastfeeding, but I think I will be ready to give up that morning feed whenever Noah is ready. I will certainly try again with the next child – watch, we will probably have a baby that will be insatiable and will want to eat all the time!
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